why strugle

I talked yesterday about the why because it’s a struggle I don’t think I’ll ever get past.

I spend a lot of time thinking about compassion and talking about it with people. Amazing, loving people that use all the right words and understand all the right ideas but whose lives just don’t line up.

It’s like looking in a mirror and seeing my younger self.

Before this goes too far I’m not sure I’ve come all that far. Maybe that’s why I struggle with the why. Despite all my efforts and time I don’t know why I don’t live it out more. I don’t know why I can’t make my priorities line up with my words more. I don’t know why I can’t be who I say I am, at least not as often as I want.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it’s not a mirror of my younger self but a reflection of now that it hurts to see.

But maybe this struggle with why is important. Maybe this internal struggle with why I can’t be the person I want and can’t understand why other people don’t see the value in trying is important.

Maybe I’d be a really terrible Christian to meet if I didn’t struggle with this why. If I didn’t have to push and grind my way to being the person I think I’m called to. If I didn’t think about the discontent between who I am and who I want to be. If I didn’t often talk to people who just didn’t see what I was seeing despite all the same information.

If I can’t understand or empathize with a person who doesn’t know who they are or why the do what they do how I can I share God with those who don’t know Him?

And if I can’t connect with and love and value people who I know love the same God I do but with a different understanding how will I ever love those who disagree.

Maybe why I struggle with myself and others is because I can’t be who God wants me to be without the lived experience.

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